Dr. Kristin Neff is one of the world’s leading experts in self-compassion. She describes self-compassion as “treating yourself the way you would want to treat a friend who is having a hard time.” Dr. Neff believes that self-compassion is being patient, kind, and understanding when faced with personal failings instead of “mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings.” As a result of practicing self-compassion, “we become an inner ally instead of an inner enemy.” Dr. Neff’s research on self-compassion involves three core elements: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity.

1. Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a practice of being aware of the present moment. It involves being aware of each moment-to-moment experience in a clear and balanced manner. Mindfulness means being open to the present moment's reality. It is allowing all thoughts, sensations, and emotions to enter awareness without avoiding it or resisting it. Mindfulness can help us face the truth of our experience even when it’s uncomfortable and unpleasant rather than avoid painful thoughts and emotions. It allows us to have the presence of mind to respond in a new way.

2. Self - Kindness

Self-kindness is caring toward ourselves as we are towards other people. It is being supportive and encouraging so that we can protect ourselves from harm. Self-kindness is choosing to soothe and comfort ourselves when external life circumstances are challenging and feel too difficult to bear. Instead of berating ourselves for being inadequate, we offer ourselves warmth and unconditional acceptance. Self-kindness is treating ourselves with warmth and patience especially during challenging times.

3. Common Humanity

A sense of interconnectedness is central to self-compassion. It’s recognizing that all humans are flawed works-in-progress, that everyone fails, makes mistakes, and experiences hardship in life. It is learning to accept and forgive ourselves for our flaws since we are not perfect beings. Self-compassion honors the unavoidable fact that life entails suffering for everyone, without exception. Common humanity helps us to remember that pain is part of the shared human experience, however, every moment of suffering can be transformed into a moment of connection with others.

In summary, Dr. Neff believes that another way to describe the three essential elements of self-compassion is loving, (self-kindness), connected (common humanity) presence (mindfulness). “When we are in the mind state of loving, connected presence, our relationship to ourselves, others, and the world is transformed.”

Self-compassion is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves and our loved ones. My hope for you is that you choose to practice self-compassion every day. As Steve Maraboli once said, “the most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”

If you are needing help in making self-care a priority in your day-to-day life, please consider setting up a free phone consultation and we can discuss how therapy can be helpful.