What do you think of when you hear the word self-compassion? Did you know that practicing self-compassion has various benefits for well-being? Research shows that individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater life satisfaction, happiness, and motivation as well as better physical health, better relationships, and less anxiety and depression. In addition, people who practice self-compassion have the resilience needed to better cope with stressful life events.

Dr. Kristen Neff is a leading expert on self-compassion. In her research, she has explored the attributes that influence self-compassion, which includes both feminine and masculine, just as everyone embodies both feminine and masculine qualities. In traditional Chinese philosophy, this duality is represented by yin and yang. Yin and yang are based on the assumption that all opposite attributes are interdependent and complementary. In other words, people who identify as male or female need their opposite qualities to be in balance. Thus, the yin of self-compassion contains the attributes of “being with” ourselves in a compassionate way including comforting, soothing, and validating ourselves. The yang of self-compassion is about “acting in the world” such as protecting, providing, and motivating ourselves.

Examples of Yin Self-Compassion:

1. Comforting

Comforting is something that we might do for a close friend who is struggling. It is helping a person who is suffering feel better, especially by providing support for the person’s emotional needs. The goal is to be able to provide yourself with comfort when you’re hurting or suffering. Dr. Neff suggests practicing telling yourself things like, “this is a moment of suffering,” “suffering is a part of life”, and “may I be kind to myself.”

2. Soothing

Soothing is another way to help a person feel physically calmer. Dr. Neff suggests practicing soothing touch. It’s very useful to harness the power of physical touch to help you access the compassion response. By putting one or two hands on your physical body in a caring, warm and gentle way, you can help yourself feel comforted and safe. Find a manner of physical touch that feels genuinely supportive for yourself. Some suggestions might be placing one hand over your heart, or place one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly, or gently stroking your arms.

3. Validating

Validating is how we can help a person feel better by understanding very clearly what she is going through and saying it in a tender and kind way. Dr. Neff suggests thinking of a situation in your life that is causing you emotional pain because you feel inadequate in some way. Feel the discomfort in your body as you bring the situation to mind. Try to fully accept the pain, allow your heart to melt as you sit with these difficult feelings and try and be with yourself in the most loving way possible. Take two or three deep breaths and close your eyes for a few moments to center yourself. Put your hands on your heart or a soothing touch as a gesture of support. Try and speak to yourself using warm and supportive language. Maybe try saying “I’m sorry you’re feeling so badly about yourself right now but it’s going to be ok.” or “It’s ok to be imperfect and make mistakes.”

Examples of Yang Self-Compassion:

1. Protecting

Protecting is saying no to others who are hurting us. It is also the harm we inflict on ourselves, usually in unconscious ways. Dr. Neff suggests practicing fierce compassion. When anger is used in the service of alleviating the suffering of others or oneself it is known as fierce compassion. Compassion helps us to clearly see what is going on and to understand the complex reasons people act as they do. Fierce compassion helps us stand up to injustice without making a bad situation worse through hatred or blame. Dr. Neff suggests that you take two or three deep breaths and close your eyes to settle and center yourself. Consider putting your hands over your heart or use some other soothing touch as a gesture of support and self-kindness. Think about the situation you strongly disagree with and instead of just being angry, imagine how you might think and feel about the situation with a mindset of fierce compassion.

2. Providing

Providing means giving ourselves what we truly need. First, we have to know what we need. Then we need the conviction that we deserve to get our needs met. Next, we have to go ahead and try to meet our own needs. Dr. Neff suggests doing a practice of meeting unmet needs. Try and remember the details of the situation and get in touch with your anger and who are you angry with. Think about what need was not met during that time. Try naming the need in a gentle, understanding voice. Try putting your hand on your body in a soothing way and give yourself some warmth and kindness. Can you try and give yourself right now what you have been longing to receive from someone else? Try saying the words you needed to hear like “I care,” “I’m here for you,” or “I love you.” Eventually, let go of the exercise and simply rest in your experience.

3. Motivating

Motivating is learning how to motivate yourself to accomplish your goals and aspirations. Self-compassion motivates like a good coach, with support, kindness, and understanding. Dr. Neff suggests figuring out how your inner critic might be trying to help you. Instead of your inner critic, learn to motivate yourself with a new voice that is your inner compassionate self. Consider a behavior change you want to make like being more patient. Learn to talk to yourself in helpful and encouraging ways to motivate yourself. Remind yourself that change takes time and learn how to quiet the inner critic.

A common thread through these different practices is a friendly, caring attitude. These practices take time and patience in learning how to lessen our inner critic and be more self-compassionate. Dr. Neff believes that one of the greatest benefits of self-compassion is that it actively generates positive emotions. Give yourself permission to practice being more kind and patient with yourself. It will help you better deal with the challenges in your life.

For more information about self-compassion, please call me at 858-243-2684.