The Problems with Perfectionism
/I work with many clients who struggle with perfectionism and thought it would be helpful to write about perfectionism. I will be referring to Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. It’s a great book that I highly recommend. Brene Brown defines perfectionism as “the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's a shield. It's a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from flight."
Brene Brown recognizes that “perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best.” Perfectionism is about trying to earn approval and acceptance, not self-improvement. As Brene states, “most perfectionists were raised being praised for achievement and performance” like grades, appearance, sports, and people-pleasing. Perfectionism is other-focused (what will they think?) while healthy striving is self-focused (how can I improve?) Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. Perfectionism has been found to increase the risk of anxiety disorders, depression, and eating disorders.
Brene believes that perfectionism is a “self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment, and shame.” What really happens is that the person will actually experience those painful feelings that tend to lead to thoughts of not being good enough.
Furthermore Brene Brown states “Perfectionism is an unattainable goal. It’s more about perception than internal motivation, and there is no way to control perception, no matter how much time and energy is spent trying.” Perfectionism leads to a vicious cycle of wanting others to think highly of you but instead, you tend to feel disappointed and upset with yourself.
Brene acknowledges that “perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough. Rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to look and do everything just right.” Perfectionism tends to be an exhausting cycle of trying to impress others while making yourself feel horrible in the process.
If you’re seeking to be perfect, you’ll ultimately demotivate yourself. Having ideals that are unattainable, you’ll never feel like you’re good enough and instead, you’ll miss out on rewards of accomplishment.
Another drawback of perfectionism is the way it distances you from others. People may not want to work with you because of your impossibly high expectations and they know they won’t measure up. In addition, if you fall into the trap of believing you’re close to perfect, you also run the risk of intimidating others.
Furthermore, perfectionism can be a barrier to your academic or professional growth because it reduces your ability to do brilliant work. If you’re unable to move ahead or can’t get anything done, you’ll limit your ability to contribute to a project. Furthermore, if you can’t admit mistakes, you won’t be able to learn from the mistakes or understand what went wrong in order to improve.
As Brene Brown’s research indicates, to overcome perfectionism, we need to be able to acknowledge our vulnerabilities to the universal experiences of blame, judgment, and shame. We’ve got to practice self-compassion and develop shame resilience in order to embrace our imperfections. Through the process of embracing our imperfections, we find our truest gifts: compassion, courage, and connection.
If you’re looking for help with your perfectionism, please contact me to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation.
